Waiting for Him Waiting for Him
By Erin

Disclaimer: I do not own ANY of the Roswell characters, as much as I may wish that I did. They belong to those awesome people at the WB. I'm just borrowing them, so please don't sue me! You'll only get a few DMB CD's and some really cool jewelry. And thank you (to those whom it applies) for letting me borrow your stuff! I appreciate it!

Dedication: To my muse, who my experiences with helped me learn to love. He's no longer mine, but our memories will live on in my heart forever. Thanks for the memories, Chris.

Author's Notes: This was based on a challenge sent to me by Melissa.

~Melissa's You Were Mine Challenge~ 1) Write a fic using these lyrics as inspiration (do not need to be included in the fic):

I can't find a reason to let go
Even though you've found a new love
And she's what your dreams are made of
I can't find a reason to hang on
What went wrong can be forgiven
Without you it ain't worth livin' alone

Sometimes I wake up crying at night
And sometimes I scream out your name
What right does she have to take you away
When for so long you were mine


2) May be M&M, M/L, or *insert Melissa's shudder here* M/I, M/T. M&M is, of course, preferred, but not mandatory.
3) THERE CANNOT BE A HAPPY ENDING FOR ANY OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS!! What does this mean? Well, basically, no one ends up with anyone. They're all sorta stranded on the edge of despair come the end.

As soon as I read this challenge, the light bulb inside my head lit up. I got the idea for this story and now, I present it to you! As many of you know, angst is my specialty in fanfic writing, probably because a lot of these things have happened to me and I know the feeling so well... But anyway... Hope ya'll like this!

Now on to your regularly scheduled fiction...

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Dear Diary:

A famous quote inspired me to write about this today. I know that I haven't written in two long years. I stopped writing the night that he left me; the same day that I found out that he loved someone else. But hey, it's the anniversary and I think I'm finally ready to share my story. Albert Einstein once said, "Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow." When I read this quote, I began to cry. I can't describe it. I just know that the quote is fitting to how I feel at this moment about this subject. So bear with me and you'll hear my story.

I've learned from my past; from my yesterday and from my memories. God, I've learned the hardest of all lessons in life. I've learned that even though someone might say they love you, you have no idea what they're really thinking or what they're implying when they say it. They show that they love you through their actions, not just through their mouths and words. For all you know, they could be saying that they love you so much that they don't want to hurt you. Or they might be saying that they love you as a friend and imply that they love someone else with the other half of their heart. And both of these happened to me, if you can believe it.

He told me that he loved me so much that he didn't want to hurt he. I thought that he loved me with his whole heart, but he still couldn't promise me anything, not even a tomorrow. And that's why he broke my heart. That's why he called it off. It wasn't because of me, it was because of his own fear that something would happen to me; that whatever he was would hurt me. And in a way, this did happen.

I was lead to believe his lies until I found out the truth in the most horrifying way. One day at the Crashdown, I walked in on him with his new love, caught in a passionate embrace. They tried to explain to me, but I wouldn't listen. I only remember them saying something about alien hormones and that bit was enough to put me over the edge. I mean, come on, alien hormones? I thought that it was just a lame excuse and it lead me to believe that he loved someone else! He loved her, not me. He only loved me as a dear friend, a companion of his who he was pleased to have around. To him, I assumed that I was just another woman who would always be there for him; that I'd be someone who he could fall back on if anything fell through. I completely broke down. He didn't love me like I loved him. And I knew that things would never be the same.

And my anger brewed. My anger was, partially, what made him leave. He was afraid of me. He was afraid that I'd take out all my rage on him. Sure, I was disappointed in him and I was brokenhearted, too. But I would never take out all my rage on him. I only told him off and yelled at him. If I had taken all my rage out on him, he'd be lucky to be alive today. But maybe it would have been better that way...

So, they left. All four of them left; they went to find their destiny and others like them. They left all of us here. And now, all four of us have to live with the remains of what they left behind. We have to live every day with their memories, the only things that we have now.

The night they left, he came to me when I was in deep thought, thinking about our relationship, or better yet, the lack there of. I acted like I was asleep. I didn't trust myself to say anything because I knew that I would either break down in tears and beg him not to leave me or I would tear him apart, literally. So I lie there and listened to his departing words, sealed by a kiss on my forehead and a cold, metal object placed in my left hand.

Sure, I live for today. I live every day like the last; I wake up in the morning, go to school, work at the Crashdown, go home, and then, go to bed. The same course of actions is taken every day. My companions were also left with the ruins of relationships when their unfaithful loves left. They live for the present day, but they really don't take action to make their lives any better than they are. They, like me, mope and cry about things in the past; things that we know we can't change, but we still hope that they will come back. If you're asking me, I, personally, think that we should all move on. And we've all tried many times, don't get me wrong. But it's just so hard to forget everything that happened between us.

Many times, I've stopped myself and ask, 'What would life be like if he was still here? What if he was still mine? Is he feeling this emptiness like I am? What if I hadn't found out about him and her? Would I still be this sad? What would my life be like?' but when the thoughts pop into my head, I quickly try to scold them out and eventually go into my room to cry over his remains. And when these sobbing sessions begin, I pop in my favorite tape; my tape of 'You Were Mine' by the Dixie Chicks. It plays over and over again. The words describe exactly what I'm feeling and I can assure anyone that the song helped me live without him.

The first time, he broke my heart so that I wouldn't get hurt when he left. The second time, he supposedly did the same, but he also did it so he could be with her. Well, he's gone and I'm so depressed that he even let me into his pathetic life. If he hadn't, I wouldn't be the way that I am now. He doesn't know what he's caused me; all the anguish and pain he's created lives with me every day. And whenever I cross his ring that he left in my hand the night he left, I always break down and cry. Maybe he really did care about me. Maybe his alien hormones were attracting him to her. But it still doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, if they really were, why couldn't they have stayed? If he loved me so much, why didn't he at least write and tell me that he was doing okay?

I was broken about him leaving me for her and all four of them running away together. It fits the story perfectly. They ran away from everything they ever knew and ran away from the people who cared about them. They ran from the people who know who they really are. The same people who saved them in more than one way. We taught them how to love and how to fit in. True, telling the truth about them leaving hurts. But I think the thing that saddens me the most is that the night he left, he told me, even though he *thought* that I was sleeping, that he'd be back and that he'd be back for good to love me for the rest of his life. Every day and night since that fateful day, I've heard his words repeating in my head.

But it's been too long now. It's been almost two years since they left us here. And now, I know that his words were false, like all his other promises. The blaring one in my mind is when he told me that he wasn't going to run anymore. It seems fitting now because he ran away from the one person that he truly knew and loved. So now, I'm faced with the reality that he never intended on coming back to live with me. Maybe he never loved me at all.

I hope for tomorrow. I hope that tomorrow will bring happiness to all four of us, so that we can live and love again. I hope that he comes back to me, without her beside him. And if she does come back, I hope that she comes back to see the one who truly loves her, to the one who's mourned for two years along with me. I hope that he still loves me. I hope that he still dreams of me. I hope that when he comes back, I'll be ready and able to forgive him. Most of all, I hope that he's had to live with the same constant feeling of emptiness that I've had to live with for the past two years. This feeling has caused me so much pain in the past two years and I hope that it's caused him the same amount of pain and anguish, for my sake. And I hope that he's learned his lesson.

And when I look up at the stars, I see a living reminder of my one true love, of a love that still exists to this day. Maybe he found a way back home, to his place in the stars. And one day, I'll join him there.

But until then, I'll be waiting for him.


The End