Tears of a Mother Tears of a Mother By Erin

Disclaimer: If I owned 'Roswell,' would I be writing fan fiction? (I don't own the song 'Fast Car' either. It's by Tracy Chapman)

Dedication: Hmm... Joanne, you're awesome! Thanks so much for beta-ing for me.

Author's Note: I know that I promised fluff. I know that I did... but this isn't fluff. Its been going on in my mind for like, a month, and I finally got the time to write it out today. I promise that I'm gonna write some fluff, really, sometime soon.

Now on to the regularly scheduled fiction...


As I was driving this afternoon to pick up the kids, I recall, I was in desperate need of something to do. So I switched on the radio to entertain myself.

I gasped as I heard the opening verse of the song that just came on. I hadn't heard it in a long time, but there was something about it...

This song was telling a story... our story.

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we can make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

He was always the one to want to flee at the slightest sign of danger. And the last time that he freaked out, I was there with him, to 'calm him down' I later said, like he had done for me so many times before.

And I would have done anything to be with him at the time, so he took the opportunity to use my car, like he had done before, also.

We ran away together, in search of a new life, leaving everything familiar and normal behind us.

And maybe the part that was the weirdest was that we didn't fight over it... we were both perfectly happy with finding new lives, together.

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me, myself, I got nothing to prove

We both knew that there was something better for us than Roswell, New Mexico. We'd said it many times before, we just had never acted on it. But we did this time.

I'll never forget when we passed the Roswell sign, welcoming everyone to the dinky little alien town. We were never going to come back. Ever. We had agreed on that, too.

So, we pointed the car in a direction and drove into the sunset, like some kind of romantic movie where the prince carried off his maiden into the sunset on his white horse, except we weren't exactly... like the prince and the maiden.

I mean, sure, we were in love... but we weren't so much the 'look into my eyes, soul mate,' type like some of our friends were. Maybe they still are that way. I don't know. We didn't keep in touch. But nevertheless, we were in love, it was just a different way than most people would expect.

No one expected us to be right for each other... but we were. I guess that our constant fighting eluded everyone into believing that one day that we'd break up and never get back together. But they were wrong.

And as soon as our journey into the unknown started, it ended. We finally ended the travel when we reached Lufkin, Texas, a tiny town about an hour or so northeast of Houston. We made a promise there that no matter what, we'd be together.

So when we both turned eighteen, he proposed to me and we got married shortly after. The wedding, itself, was beautiful. It took place on a spring day and there were flowers everywhere, decorating the church in pastel purples, pinks, yellows, and whites. My dress was a white satin and he looked dashing in a tuxedo, like I'd always dreamed of. We even called in our old friends to come see the ceremony. They were all surprised that we were finally making the commitment, but I'm sure that they were all happy about it. It might have been enough to get them to face their fears about marriage. I don't know. We didn't really talk to them much after that.

And at the end of the day, I was amazed. We were finally bound together, forever, and nothing was ever going to tear us apart.

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I've been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

Soon after we got married, we both started school at the community college right outside of Lufkin. I can't even remember the name, now, but I remember that the days there were bright and wonderful for the both of us.

We began saving money, me working at the school book store, and he did all kinds of odd jobs to make money, one of his favorites was his painting job. I remember that sometimes, late at night, right before I was about to go to sleep, he would start to draw... and in the morning, when I woke up in his arms, I would see a portrait of me on the kitchen counter on one of his many sketch pads.

Eventually, we planned to move into our own house where we could raise our children, whenever we had them.

You see my old man's got a problem
He lives with the bottle, that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like this
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more than life than he could give
I said somebody's gotta take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

One afternoon, I got a call from my mother back home. It startled me, really; first because I didn't give her my number, and secondly, because she never really was that close to me in the first place. I just assumed that one of our friends back home had slipped up and told her the number. I wasn't surprised, though. It had always been like that.

But back to my mom... She was calling for support. One of our former enemies had asked her to marry him a few years back and she said yes. Well, they got married a few years back, right after we left the town. And a few months ago, she found out that he had a major drinking problem. She said that she needed support from her only daughter.

Yes, we promised to never go back to the place that held so many memories, but my mom needed me... us...

So we quit school and drive back to Roswell to take care of my mother and her alcoholic husband.

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

We put him in an alcohol abuse program and he was better within a month of our arrival back in town.

And we truly did love living with my mother and him, even though my mother strongly disliked him when we were on and off dating. They didn't get along at first. Mom kept telling him that he needed to leave because all that he ever did was break my heart. But when she saw us together, she changed her mind.

And when she changed her mind, she told me one of the sweetest things someone has ever told me. She told me that, even though he broke my heart back in high school, that she knew that he would come around and she knew that he was the right one for me. Just because of the way he acted around me, now and then.

But Roswell was filled with too many memories that we wanted to forget, too many occurrences that we could never live down if we stayed for much longer. One night, we made the decision to leave and to never come back. We meant it this time.

We wanted to leave our pasts behind us, once and for all, we said. After all, we still had each other and that's all that we needed.

We left a note for my mother and stepfather, telling them that we were sorry and told them that we were on our way, again. That staying in Roswell was too emotional for both of us to live there again.

And as a change, in the note, we told them where we were going, just in case they ever needed anything.

We left that night around midnight, neither of us turning around when we drove silently out of town for the last time.

I remember we were driving, driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

I remember the night that our first child was conceived.

We had stopped outside of Hot Springs, Arkansas, after a long day of driving and the hotel was like the first one we'd ever been to together... dingy and well, like Aladdin gone porno, except this room had a jungle theme. So, I guess you could call it The Lion King gone porno...

I knew while I lay there in his strong arms that we were going to be parents, whether we liked it or not. And as if he read my mind at that very moment, he sought my eyes and gave me a reassuring kiss, pulling me closer to him, if it was possible.

With than kiss, I knew that everything would be okay. I would never forget it.

My pregnancy was easy. Maybe because he had learned to use his powers or maybe it was because I was so proud that I was carrying his child. Whichever the case was, we were both excited about being parents. We were finally going to have a family that we both had always wanted.

And nine months after our escapades in the porno Lion King room, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl... our little Anna.

He and I... we couldn't have been prouder as we held our daughter for the first time.

We finally had a family.

You got a fast care
And we go crusin' to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in the market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of this shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

When Anna was old enough to go to the town's tiny daycare center, I went back to work at the market as a checkout girl. I know, it wasn't exactly a glorious job, but it paid the bills. He was still searching for the 'perfect' job.

I knew that things would eventually get better. He was bound to find a job soon, and when he did, I could quit working and become a house wife, like I always dreamed. I could spend the whole day with my daughter as she learned to walk and talk and even use her powers.

Anna was growing with leaps and bounds and she needed us more than ever, so it was perfect timing when I got pregnant again.

Even though I was hoping for a promotion, I quit work and went back home to wait out my pregnancy. And he finally found a job that could support us. I was ecstatic.

When Anna was two years old, her little brother Mark was brought into the world. Again, we were proud parents.

Our lives couldn't get any better.

You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe you and me could find it
I got no plans, I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

I got another job when Mark turned two, when we could put him in the daycare center with Anna. I was a secretary at some big firm in the city, so I had to drive an hour or so to and from work every day.

My job paid for the bills and he... well, his job as a painter wasn't the success that he'd expected.

And then, he started coming home later and later every night. Something was up, but I wasn't sure what it could be.

I could tell that we were growing further apart, but I refused to believe that he was pulling away from me, like he did so many times when we were teenagers.

But I found the answer to this one day when I came home early from work, hoping to surprise him with dinner already made when he got home with the kids.

When I walked into the kitchen, I put down the grocery sacks and went back to our bedroom to change. That's where I got my shock.

I found her in my bed... with him, my husband, who had loved me with his whole heart. Or so I thought.

I gasped and they turned over to face me, pain and shame spread across their faces when they saw that I was there.

She shrieked and hid under the covers, like she thought that if she was under them, she would disappear and I wouldn't realize what they had been doing.

His eyes immediately fell to the floor and his head hung in shame as he rolled out of bed and padded across the room to me.

He lifted his head and opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.

What could I do about it?

I had to face the bitter reality. There was nothing that I could do about it. He had chosen this. He gave up his normal life with me and our kids for a destiny that was written for his years ago.

And I did something that my heart still aches about to this very day... I kicked him out and told him to leave with her and to never come back or speak to me again.

A single tear fell down his cheek as he whispered goodbye for the last time.

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

That was our story, told in four minutes of radio play.

And as my children, Anna, who is now eight, and Mark, who turned six last week, climbed into the car, I broke down and cried in front of them.

I cried for me and the loss of my soulmate, or better, the man who stole my heart and I would never love again because of that.

I cried for him and his lost opportunity to have the family that he'd always wanted and the loss of something greater, the woman who always would love him, no matter what happened.

But most of all, I cried for my children because they never got a chance to know their real father, the father who loved them dearly and wouldn't ever leave them.

The End