Disclaimer: I don't own any of the 'Roswell' characters. They belong to the awesome people at the WB. I'm borrowing them. Please don't sue me! I'm a poor high school student without a job, who writes fan fiction to let the muse out every once in a while. And if you do sue me, I promise you that you won't get anything important, other than some DMB CD's and some disutopian books from my English class..
Dedication: To my English teacher, who so kindly let me write this short reflection in her class the other day...
Author's Note: As you know, this was written in my English class. These are my musings while we were watching an episode of the 'Twilight Zone' for an Facing History And Ourselves curriculum (if you want me to explain, e-mail me and I will.)
And now on to your regularly scheduled fiction...
I actually said it.
In my attempts to protect her and not to hurt her any more than I already have, I told her that I loved her... and then I told her goodbye.
Everything went perfectly when I told her the eye-opening news, considering that I'm not an emotional guy and that I've never really admitted my feelings... until I met her. But I broke the essence of the moment when I told her that I had to leave... without her.
I could see her amazement. I could actually see it by the way her mouth fell open and she was speechless, for maybe the second time in her whole life, not including the times where I kissed her to make her shut up. This was different. I could feel her sudden surge of emotions, too. I could feel the warmth and love for me, but I could also sense her doubt. Why should she believe me? Knowing me, I'd probably just push her away again, like always. And like always, I did.
And when I told her goodbye, tears clouded her emerald green eyes. She said nothing as I turned my back and walked away from her, out of her life. I told her no more running and look at me now. Running away from the one person who actually made me feel like I belonged; the one person who actually cared about me, no matter what happened between us; the one person who loved me, despite what I put her through. She loved me for who I was.
Why did I have to tell her just then? Were my words a plead to her that I was scared and that I didn't want to leave her? Did I want to comfort her because I knew what was going to happen next? Did I say it because I knew that she wanted to hear it and I had never said it? Or was it purely coincidence, when my feelings blinded my vision?
Why didn't I tell her before? I knew that I loved her. Dammit, I loved her since the trip to Marathon, when she saved my ass from the officer. And when she fell on top of me in the nookie hotel room. And every other experience with her since then has been the same as the first ones... awe-inspiring and full of excitement.
I knew I loved her but I wouldn't admit that she'd already broken down my stone walls and that I'd already fallen head over heels for her. I was too afraid to admit to my own emotions and look where I am now.
I was so stupid to think that I'd actually come back to her with good news. Instead, I've found out my destiny... something that I never realized was so important. And my job is so important because I have to save my home... and when I get back there, my family expects me to come back with Isabel, the woman who I was betrothed to when I was alive on my home planet.
Did I mention that we were engineered... that we're clones? Max's mom told us that we were created in the image of the leaders of our planet, before they died in the war, and their beings were mixed with human genetics. So really, we're part human and part alien. And I figure that being part human means that we can make our own choices about our destined lovers...
I can't leave her. I just can't walk away now. I've done that too many times and now, she expects me to run away from my problems and hide like a child until they have disappeared. But I have news for her. I've come to a new revelation and nothing is going to stop me from loving her. Not even my own destiny...