Goodbye to You Goodbye to You By Erin

Disclaimer: If I owned 'Roswell,' would I be writing fan fiction?  Also, I didn't write "Goodbye to You" - it's Michelle Branch's brilliant creation.

Dedication: Shavona, for being awesome and beta-ing this, even though she didn’t know what it was about. And to all the people who have FB-ed me. Thanks!

Author's Note: Text enclosed by // or \\ are memories are were taken directly from "Ch-Ch-Changes" (me no own!)

Enjoy..

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I thought I had it all together.  I really did.

Everything was going my way.  Every one of my decisions seemed right. I had a record deal, and I was flying high on everything positive happening to me.  Nothing could bring me down.  I no longer had an alien boyfriend, who was holding me back from my only dream, and I felt good.

That was until I heard the remix of my song.  

My song.  My love song to the one person that I care about most in this entire world.  My song, that wasn't mine, after they touched it. It was polluted; tainted; pick your SAT word - it all translates the same. They completely screwed it up.   

It wasn't me.  There was a bubble gum pop princess singing, with a wretched dance beat thrumming in the background, who sounded like me.  But it wasn't me.  It couldn't be me.  I would never change something so personal into a dance remix where thousands of sweaty, disgusting people could grind into each other to the bass’ beat without even listening to the words.  

I was really starting to lose it.

I had to talk to someone about it. And who did I go to? Michael. Yep, I chose Michael... foolishly.  And the only thing I can ask myself now, is how could I have been so stupid? I mean, he seemed the logical choice.  Max and Liz were out of the picture, and Alex isn't here for moral support anymore, so I chose him.   

I went to his apartment and waited outside for about two hours. When he finally showed, his attitude was in rare form. I mean, I come to him for moral support and all he does is bite my head off.  Typical Michael, right? Right.

\\"Let me guess," he said sarcastically when I emerged silently from the shadows, "You bumped into George Lucas in the video store and he wants you in his next movie."

"You were right about me being cautious," I paused and frowned as I stated, "Those label people are bogus.  They wanna turn me into some bubble gum pop princess."

"That's too bad," he smirks while opening the door to his apartment, not even bothering to stare into my eyes.

"They turned my songs into complete crap, Michael.  It was so humiliating."

He turns suddenly to face me.  "Why are you here?" he asks harshly.

"I may be turning down a huge opportunity.  I need someone to talk to," I manage to choke out, my words strangled with whine and worry.

"Let me get this straight.  You dump me so you can go live your dream and now you're telling me you're dropping that, too?" annoyance and disbelief flutters across his face.

"I'm sorry," tears are in my voice, "I just really need some advice right now."

"It's like you said, we're not linked anymore," he begins, his caustic tone slicing through my already-wounded skin, "I can bring you inside, tell you to stay in Roswell because that's what I want.  But you know what?  I'm not going to be the guy you blame for ruining your life."

"Michael," I start, but he cuts me off.

"You should leave now."

"I have nowhere else to go."

"You've got plenty of other friends," he states, almost closing the door in my face.

"Like who?  Liz?  I've tried to talk to her, but she hasn't been around," I argue, fire in my voice.

"Do you even know what's going on with her?" he asks, a little bit of concern leaking into his words.

"Yeah," I say sarcastically, "She's pissy and preoccupied and won't return my phone calls."

"She might be dying, Maria," he states harshly in return.//

So Michael proceeded to tell me what was going on with Lizzie, and about how her life was in danger because of something that Max did to her over two years ago.

God my best friend was dying, from God knows what, given to her by the only boy that she's ever loved, and I'm thinking about some record deal.  There’s so much more to life than this stupid deal, I realize.  

So I went to her after Michael, so kindly and gentlemanly, slammed the door in my face. We spent the entire night talking about alien boyfriends, love and loss, our lives now after all the craziness, Alex, and my music.

Lizzie told me to make a compromise in my music, and go for my dream. She said that something like this only comes around once in a lifetime, and I'd be kicking myself if I didn't go for it.

She told me that I had more talent in my little finger than anyone else in Roswell.  And you know what? I joked about it.  I couldn't figure out a way to thank her for such kind words. But that's Liz for you. She's always had a way of making me feel special.  Always.  And now that I think about it, that's one of the nicest compliments that has ever been given to me.  Ever.

We talked more about Michael and Max, and about how Liz wasn't sure how much more she could take.  The 'alien funny business,' as Kyle likes to call it, is getting to her. Anyone can see that.  She told me that she was seriously thinking about leaving Roswell in the dust and going to that boarding school in Vermont - the one her dad threatened her with a few months ago, after she and Max got arrested in Utah.

When I left her, it was strange.  Somehow I had a feeling that the next time we saw each other, it wouldn't be in Roswell.  And even though I sensed it, and I'm sure that she did too, we both ignored it and said 'Good night', just like it was any other normal day in Roswell.  But things have changed for us.  And it isn't just another normal day. Normal left us three years ago, and there's been no looking back since.

As soon as I reached my house, I stripped out of the pop princess clothing and pulled on my pajamas.  I flopped down onto my bed with a pen and paper, attempting to write about the day and about my latest situations. But for some reason I couldn't write. Too much was on my mind, and all I could do was think.  

I went over everything that's happened to me in the past year. Everything that has managed to turn my world upside down. I thought about Alex, and where we'd be if he were still here. Would we have taken the record deal that we'd both dreamed of for so long?  Or would it still be like this? I don't know. But boy do I wish he were here.  

Alex.  

God, I miss him.  His jokes, his music, his love.  I miss him so much and I don't think that anyone could ever take his place in my heart.

I know he'd be here for me right now, if he could.  He'd give me a big hug, tell me what he thinks, and make me feel better.  He always did that.  He was always supporting me, no matter what the circumstances. He even stood up to Michael one time, after I came crying to him about Courtney.  Not that he told me - Michael did after he passed on. But it's all the same in my mind. 

Alex loved me for who I was and was willing to risk 'his life' (as Michael put it) to stand up for me, one of his best friends.  That was the Alex we all knew and loved.  Loyal till the end. And just Alex

But I can't stop myself from thinking about Michael too.  

What have I done? Why in the world did I think dumping Michael was a good idea?  How could I do such a thing to the one person that I love the most in the entire world, hell the universe for that matter?

He gave up his destiny for me, and what do I do?  Get rid of him as soon as an opportunity presented itself.  I wasn't even thinking about what he was feeling, or about all of the sacrifices that he's made for me.

Didn't someone say to let go of the one that you love, and if they truly loved you, they'd come back to you in time?

Somehow I don't think this is the same situation, because he’s the one who let go - not the other way around.

And then, after I promised that I was going to stay away from Michael, to follow my aspirations and dreams, I had to come back.  The moment I found out that I had a chance at achieving my ultimate dream, I ran to him. 

And I slept with him out of a moment.  

How could I do that?  How could I lead him on like that?  How could I play with his feelings like that?  How could I play with my feelings like that?

I'm a terrible person. And I understand completely why he's treating me the way that he is now, with his coldness and a newly constructed stonewall.  I do. But I'm not going to accept it.  I refuse to.  That would be like rolling over and asking the world to crush me slowly into the ground while I moaned in misery and heartache. That's not who I am. I know what I have to do. I fought for him once, and I'll fight for him again.

Sighing, I turn on the radio and lie down on my bed, hoping to get a little bit of sleep tonight as I turn off the light. The sounds of a soft guitar wafts into my otherwise silent bedroom. 

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by


I’m not gonna get any sleep tonight. Just by hearing this song, I’m doomed to stay awake until the early morning sunshine seeps into my room.

And I ask - Oh God, what have I done?

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing
Are starting to get out
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend


Why are my choices coming back to haunt me?

And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto


I didn't mean to hurt you, Michael.  I really didn't.

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where
I am blinded by the light
But it's not right


I was wrong about letting you go.

I miss you.

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto


Why is this happening to me?

Why did I let this happen to us?

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours
and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time


I don't want to give in to the temptation, but I think we deserve another chance.

A chance to get back to whatever we had before, to where things seemed normal and we were both happy.

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
The one thing that I tried to hold onto


I need to go and change things.

Now it's up to me to fix the problem. And I'm going to.

And with that, I sprang out of her bed, grabbed a pen and paper, and began to write, humming softly and praying that my plan would turn out all right.

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star


Meanwhile across town, unbeknownst to the blonde humming to herself in her bedroom, writing down the words that someone needed to hear at the moment, a gruff young man rolled over in bed, turned off the radio, and allowed a silent tear to slip down his cheek.

Tomorrow’s another day.

* * * * *
“One of the tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We all dream of some magical rose garden over the horizon, instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside of our windows.”
- Dale Carnegie -


* * * * *


The End