Disclaimer: If I owned 'Roswell,' would I be writing fan fiction?
Author's Note: This fic is actually a tag to another fic of mine called Go Away. You might want to go check that out before you read this, but you know, whatever floats your boat. They’re connected and it’s totally up to you to connect the dots. Also, special thanks to the girls at RCWW who gave me such wonderful responses to this. .. I hope that you all enjoy it again.
* * *
Faded everything into black and blue,
You look a lot like you
Could shatter in the blink of an eye.
- Counting Crows, “Black and Blue”
* * *
She shudders and closes her eyes, trying to push away all the thoughts blowing through her mind, but she simply cannot bring them to rest, no matter how hard she tries. They’ve all been rushing through her brain for a while now and she knows all to well what has brought them on again. Usually, they aren’t unbearable, but tonight, they’re different.
And she’s all alone in the world.
Sure, she might have had the clothes on her back and shoes on her feet and an incredible almost-brother to journey with her, but something was missing from the very start. And she knows exactly what it is.
She knows what she’s missing and she doesn’t know which way she’d rather have it. This dull ache carried in her heart day in and day out. Or the bliss of knowing it’s all over. She thinks that she’d rather have the first than the second. At least she’s alive. At least they were able to escape before they were marked and blown into a peaceful oblivion like all their other friends. Well, all of them except for him, but he was a different story altogether. At least they have a chance to live out the lives they were given. At least they weren’t connected to the entire alien saga until it was too late.
And its nights like tonight that she begins to question everything she knows. Everything that she is. Because nights like this one are the reality checks that bring both memories and tears. She thinks maybe it would be better the other way. Maybe they would be happier than they are now because surely they would be in a better place.
The rain is pattering lightly on the windows of their tiny car that was bought somewhere between Roswell and Sacramento.
“Do you ever wish things happened differently?” she muses out loud.
“All the time,” her companion replies and she nods her head slightly, squinting to keep the tears at bay. Whenever she thinks about what could have been, her eyes are like floodgates. “What about you?”
“Same here,” she whispers and turns to looking back out the window at the bland landscape flying past them as they drive through the night and the pouring rain.
“It’s something about the rain.”
It was raining the first night when he came to her. It was raining the night that they got away. It was raining when they left their hometown with their pursuers hot on their heels. It wasn’t raining when he left her, but it might as well have been. Rain brought back all the ‘what ifs’ that the sunshine was able to repress so easily, things that she didn’t want to think about; things she didn’t ever want to know. The rain brought about a certain self-realization that she would have never known if not for it.
Whenever something important was going to happen to her or in her life, it rained. So it would only be fitting for the weather to remind her of everything and let everything that she was trying so hard to forget come crashing back to her.
She loves him.
He left her.
She loves him still. To this day, she loves him. And she doesn’t know if it will ever change.
Her love for him grows as the minutes lengthen. She thinks idly that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. But will she ever see him again to tell him her discovery? Will he feel the same way?
She tries to shake him from her thoughts, but he doesn’t want to go away just yet. He never wants to go away. He constantly haunts her dreams and occasionally her waking hours. In a twisted sense, she is never alone.
All that she can think about is what if he got away before the whole scene went down at graduation. She prays every day and every night that he did because he deserves so much more out of life than being on the run from the FBI, although he’s always been ready to leave at the drop of a hat. It would only be fitting for him to escape before everyone else and conveniently, his skittishness saves his life.
She hopes that he was lucky.
She thinks that she’s lucky, but wouldn’t wish her fate upon anyone. She left her mother. She left her best friends. She left everything she ever knew behind, but it was for a good reason. For her life, she left it all behind. She can’t look back – the memories weigh on her soul too much and she can’t bear the thoughts that come into her mind when she thinks of home. The word carries too much weight.
“Do you think he got away?”
“I don’t know.”
She sighs. She doesn’t know either. She knows what she hopes happened, though, and for now, it’s going to have to be enough because she isn’t going to get an answer anytime soon in their time on the run.
Every time he crosses her mind, she aches. She’s bruised – her soul is black and blue – and she feels like she’s fading away. She knows that she is just a slip of the girl that she once was and the worst part of her condition is that she cannot do anything to help it. As the days lengthen, she feels herself slipping and she no longer has the strength to save herself. Her pain won’t heal with time. It hasn’t before. And the dull ache just grows even more each passing minute. She doesn’t know how much more she can take. Where is her breaking point? How much further can she travel without knowing the answers to her questions? Will she ever find out?
“My heart is sick of being in chains,” she states somewhat forcibly, getting a questionable glance from companion, but not believing any of the words that fall out of her mouth. That was her song – it was her motto for a long time, until she realized that no amount of words could change her fate or the desires of her heart. The words are empty and ring false in her world, so she shrinks back in her seat and resigns herself to watching the trees and pastures fly by through the rain.
“I don’t know how much further I can go with these ghosts.”
“Don’t give up now, Mar. Our lives depend on it.”
Her friends constantly haunt her. It is only fitting that after their untimely departures that they would come visit her in her sleep – they did it in the past, anyways, though it was strange having her best friend there, too. They always came together. And she always ended up reaching out for them, but falling away before they could come save her. It always ended the same way and she always woke with a start, distraught and on the brink of tears.
She hates them for leaving her. She hates that their fates left them with no other options and she hates that she cannot do anything about hers. She has no control over what is going on in her life – it’s driven by fear and there is no telling what lies around the next corner. She can’t even decide what direction to turn the car.
She hates him for leaving her. But what would have happened to him if he hadn’t left? Would he be with their other friends in her dreams? Or would he be here with her? She doesn’t know, but she’s willing to bet that the first holds more weight. He would be gone then, too, and if that were the case, she couldn’t travel with the hope that blossoms in her heart every time she sees a tall man carrying his similarities. She hates those men, too.
She doesn’t know which would be worse – having absolutely no hope of seeing him again or carrying the hope knowing well that she may never run across him in her lifetime. Only time will tell what her fate holds. She hopes for the best, but hope is simply not enough, never enough, to make things go the way she plans.
Hope – what a strange thing, she thinks. It offers so much, but how often does it actually come true? When have her hopes ever come to be? Will this one hope of him be the one to make her a believer? She hopes so.
She sighs loudly again and leans back in the seat, attempting to push all the thoughts that have been flurrying in her mind. She wishes that maybe, just once, they would stop. That they would leave her alone for a few minutes. And she can actually rest in a semi-peace with the rain bouncing off the car in the background soothing her into a restful sleep.
As she squeezes her emerald green eyes shut, she prays that maybe this time, they’ll go away. Maybe he won’t materialize in her dreams.
Yeah, right, she thinks.
They can’t all just disappear, because if they do, she will have nothing left. No strongholds to this earth.
And she has no idea what she would do if that would happen. She doesn’t want to think about it.
But maybe, just maybe, this time, she can ignore their presence and get some sleep.